As a psychologist practicing for almost thirty years, I’ve discovered three key principles that resolve power struggles between parents and teens:

1. Know thyself
2. Cultivate responsiveness
3. Nourish the relationship

First: know thyself by healing your past wounds. Fear is normal for parents. Your teen ends up in the ER for alcohol poisoning and you want to ground him for life. Your preteen reports that school isn’t for her, eyeballs glued to her Instagram feed. While a consequence may be in order or at least a sober conversation about safety or life with a sixth-grade education, anger, hysteria or extreme punishment will only drive your teen to more egregious behaviors. When our actions are generated by our unconsciouspain power struggles get worse. The reason: you’re trying to solve something with your teen that can only be solved within yourself.

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Why did Bill Gates wait until his daughter was 14 to give her a smartphone? Maybe he intuited what some research now shows: a 2017 study of over half a million eighth through 12th graders found that teens who spent considerable time on screens (two or more hours a day) compared to teens who spent time on non-screen activity, had depressive symptoms. In the same period, the suicide rate for girls in that age group increased by 65 percent. Of course, there are many good reasons to engage in the wonders of technology. However, the downside of substantial screen engagement is also significant research suggests.

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